Jul 02 2007
Solace in blogging
Started this post few days back in response to noon’s post.
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Thursday night: 10:30 PM
Just yesterday night I posted about the two sisters, how much joy they bring in my life and how I could watch them for hours with a smile. The joy part still holds good, but as of today I am not sure about the sitting and watching them for hours.
This is how today unfolded:
H tells me a day before that he has to meet a client early morning 8:30AM, so he would drop D in the day care at 7:30AM. Yeah right, as though the care taker has been waiting to receive D and her father at 7:30 in the morning. I am left with 3 options, keep D at home, drive and drop D at day care, ask a friend to drop her. Option 1 was ruled out as I hardly slept 10-15 minutes yesterday, since Dlittle has been spitting up every now and then. I spent most of yesterday night sitting in the glider holding her and rocking her after each feed. I did dose off few times, but then the overloaded brain of mine would panick and wake me up sending signals that I would drop Dlittle off my arms. Option 3 was also ruled out as I was enraged with H, and I was not going to call anybody for H’s fault. Why could he not schedule his meeting from 10 – 4? He questions me back ‘Is it easy for me to ask VP marketing, VP community services to change their calender to suit mine OR I adjust with their preplanned meeting?’ Why do I care, they are VP of their company. I am the boss in my household. Yeah yeah, keep thinking. Ended up driving and dropping D in the day care, popping my eye balls out making sure I don’t pass out.
By the time I came home, it was time for Dlittles bath. While giving her an oil massage, noticed a lump in her left breast. Freaky me, inspite of mom convincing me thats its pretty normal, called up the doc and took the next available appointment. Helped mom to set a quick lunch, ate in a record time of 2 minutes, packed the diaper bag, nursed Dlittle and left to the hospital. Meanwhile H called that his meeting was over and he would drive us to the hosp. The train which H took conviniently got late. So, here I am, driving again to the hosp which is 10 miles away.
Reached the hosp, thanks to on-demand feeding, Dlittle is opening her mouth in the air hoping for milk. I am sitting in the lobby debating if I should nurse her there Or wait till I get to the doc’s room. Felt as though everybody sitting around had no other business other than watching me. Thankfully doc called us in and saved me from my juggling thoughts. Doc checks her and says its normal and will dry out in few days. With a sigh of relief, carefully avoiding my moms twisted looks we reach home around 4:00 in the afternoon. By this time, I have a headache.
H had reached home by then and dosed off in the couch in the living room. He had not slept well the previous night and woke up early morning to attend this meeting. I felt sorry for him and requested, rather demanded mom to make tea. The flood of love lasted only couple of minutes, when H says he has to meet another client at 6 in the evening. Without uttering a word, tears rolled in my eyes. Its not that me and mom cannot handle D and Dlittle, I just wanted to sleep for sometime and mom cannot handle both by herself.
D comes home, I am a bit irritated and trying not to show it on her. Dlittle sleeping in the stroller and mom’s sitting on the couch. I head to the kitchen to grab a snack for D. Hear a thud sound and ran back anxiously to find the stroller upside down with D standing near it a pale face. The last straw broke the camel’s back and I spanked D on her butt. Luckily, mom had picked Dlittle up a minute back, and this little big monster sissy was trying to grab the blanket from inside the stroller so that the little sister would not feel cold. As she could not reach it, she was climbing on top and toppled it. Was feeling bad that I was taking my days edge on her, but then it was needed for her to know that she cannot do it again.
Boy, just putting these emotions into words and venting out makes me feel so much lighter. Why am I blogging and not sleeping right now? Waiting for the next feed which is in about 1/2 hour. And I desperately want to do something other than babies for a little while.
The little one’s cooing again, am going to finish off the cow-ing duty and head to sleep. Will continue later.
Saturday: 11:15 pm
I am in a joyful mood today. Maybe because H got me a Iphone? 
No, really bcoz I got a good sleep last couple of nights, Such good sleep that I might have missed a feed Or 2. On Thursday, after the late night feed, asked H to hold Dlittle and work as I could not control my eyelids closing any more and Dlittle was spitting. I set the alarm for 1:30AM and dosed off. I hear the alarm ring, woke up, nursed her, burped her, changed her diaper and put her down. Cooing of my baby girl woke me up again around 3:00AM, H shakes me and asks me to feed her even before I could manage to lift myself up. I told him she can go another hour as I just nursed her at 1:30. H swears I did not feed her at 1:30 as he was holding her up until 2:30, and I was happily snoring as though there was no tomorrow. Did I do all the nursing and burping in my dream? hmm..
Little ones wake up again… more later.
Monday: 12:15pm
ok, Its high time I publish this post. Today its mixed feeling. D’s day care is closed for the week and H has promised to slow down his work to keep sanity in the house. So far so good.
Responded to just like that’s comment, at that moment H was in a 15 minute meeting and wanted all of us to stay quiet for few mins. To keep D occupied, I took her to the backyard, gave her the jhaadoo(broomstick) and asked her to clean while I could catch up on the blogs. She jhadooded me as I was dirty, duh. hey, this reminds me of something that happened on Saturday. H was talking to his client and D was sleeping. Me and mom were watching Indian Idol in another room, so we had closed the door slightly to keep the noise. H kept his door open as the monster was sleeping. D wakes up, runs to his room and screams, papa, potty’s coming. Put the light.
Todays feeling – I am one of the lucky person in the world with 2 beautiful daughters, a loving husband and a supporting family. What more can I ask for?
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Now if that was not a roller coaster of emotions, I dunno what is!
There are days when I feel real bad too, when the spank lands a little faster than reqd, and probably would have been avoided by a ‘good’ mother or a grandmother.
But then, we are human too! You’re doing fine, rbdans.
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That sure sounds so tough! Now I’m getting raelly scared about having another and still woring full time.
But what I surely know is that a sweet little smile from our kids, just relieves us of most of the tensions and stress, be it even for a minute or two! And that is just too precious a moment!
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Ohh ohh Rdbans..my first thought after reading that was I am not having a second kid!!hehehe but i vetoed it the very next minute..may be I need that madness..(I may not feel that way when I am sleep deprived).I can totally relate to you about DH overworking and you handling everything alone.. only i didnt have mom around to help.but i didnt have older daughter to take care of too.hope Dlittle starts sleeping longer sooner.
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What a condition! Too many ups and downs with two small kids in the house. But it looks like everyone goes through this stage and I am sure that you will manage wonderfully.
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JLT, thats what I felt when I wrote this post. I feel bad myself when I read it. As you said, we are humans and we have our shares of ups and downs.
~nm, As I said thats just the feeling I went through that day. Ask me today, just looking at my 2 little precious daughters makes me feel on top of the world.
Trishna, Thanks for vetoing the thought right away. I did it without mom when I had D. Just that the delivery did not go as expected , and I did not have the mental strength to do it alone this time. BTW, it was not at all easy to handle things without mom and I did regret it. Hope you are doing ok.
asha, yes, too many ups and downs. Good news is that it does not happen every day
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Oh wow Rbdans – nursing your child in your dreams and missing the real one! Cool – way to go!
At least you wont’ feel guilty! 
I totally could relate to this post! Such a roller coaster of emotions esp the first month when you have ot be up so much and be awake during the day too for the older child! And I also relate to your last line…although easy to forget that and feel sorry for yourself when you are completely tired!
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