May 29 2008
A regular trip to the park
We often stop by the park on the way back from D’s school. The kids enjoy and it’s a lot easier to get the evening fruit down their throat. D is happily running around, Dlittle walks cluelessly here and there, looking out for anything interesting on the ground that can make way to the taste buds, if only the mother let it be.
Amongst few kids that were present in the park that day, there was this hindi speaking family. The mother, father, a boy and a girl. The boy was in the 7 – 10 age group and the girl was probably 4 – 5 years old. D has a liking for older kids, I think most kids of her age do. She is constantly watching these kids and simulating them. As soon as these siblings were done with the monkey bars, she ran towards them. I am sitting right behind her feeding Dlittle some yogurt. In just about a minute, the siblings come right back to the monkey bars, the boy on one side, the girl on the other and squeeze D from both ends. This is one of those small monkey bars for younger kids. About 2 feet long and 4 feet high. I am glancing, tempted to walk up there to lecture. The kids parents are watching too, but did not utter a single word. D wiggles this side and that side for few seconds and walks towards me with a frown. I am furious by now. More than those kids, at their parents and at D.
I sat her down, stopped feeding Dlittle and had a chat. I told her that next time someone barges into you like this, you tell them politely – I am not done yet. Please wait for your turn. I told it loud enough for the kids and their parents to hear me. It is so unlike me, only I know how much guts I had to gather. To speak out loud enough, to be audible to the parents and the sibling. But, I had to do it. I don’t believe in teaching my kids anything, that I am not willing to do/learn myself. D replies – Mumma, but that bhaiyya is too big and he was pushing me harder. He is a bad boy. She had a point. There isn’t much you can do when a 7 year old and a 4 year old are pushing you from both ends. After some thought I told her, You are right that he is a big boy. But, if you had told them it’s your turn, they might have walked out. You did not even talk. Tell politely once. If they don’t go away, look into their eyes and tell a little louder. If they still push you after that, you walk out. Deal?. Yes Mumma, she says in a pretty stern voice, making me all proud. I could feel from her voice and her gesture that she felt powerful. As though she knew what she had to do the next time. All this while, the siblings are still playing and parents are happily cheering them as though nothing had happened.
I am not complaining. This is real world. We can mold ourselves to the best we believe in, but we cannot expect everyone around us to do the same. To be nice. Nice and humble are very relative terms, it depends on one’s threshold, I would think. Anyways, won’t digress. My kids need to learn to deal with different kinds of people around. We cannot alway provide them with a protective sphere to live in. Letting them deal with situations like these by themselves with a little help boosts their self confidence. I will wait and watch what she does the next time around..
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Awww, poor D.
But it happens all the time.
Next year Chula goes to the big kids classroom and I am worried for her. She is the type that will quitely bear something, suffer and keep it to herself. End of teh day she will be in a very bad mood and direct her anger on me.
But Mieja is another story. She is a regular fire cracker. Worst case scenario, she would atleast give an ear piercing scream and let people know that she does not like it.
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Aww!!! Tht just sucks!!
I do hope D follows your instructions next time around and is at least able to say her mind.
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It’s hard – so hard, not to jump in and fight their battles for them. But you did the right thing….I’m sure the next time D stands up to something like this she’ll feel really good about herself….
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Awesome talk you had with her. I have learnt a few lessons myself on how to handle such situations!
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lovely post! with everyone becoming little more agressive with each apssing day, i guess we have to teach the kids contructive aggression too!
this will be defi useful when Kabir grows up! which is anywayz happening too fast!
cheers!
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I think we all had been in similiar situations. I learnt from your post , what i can do when Aryan is of D’s age. I did a post on the same topic , when Aryan was too young to be explained.
http://myamusingmind.blogspot.com/2007/07/to-hit-or-to-sit.html
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utbt: I know what you mean. Hopefully Chula will learn to assert herself and talk it out instead of holding it within. It hurts to see kids like this at such tender age.
K3: Lets see
Maggie: Your so right. I did feel tempted to walk right in, and I have done it few times. I realise, letting her handle the situation by herself will help her in the long run. But as you say, its not easy going that route. Also, to balance and not get too aggressive either is a challenge.
~nm: aww.. ~nm. Thanks.
Abha: yup. So right. It’s almost like you don’t have a choice. But, standing up for yourself is something everyone should do, either subtly Or aggressively, whatever works with your personality.
swati: I read the post you mentioned. Aryan seems to have a wonderful sense of balance. He let it go few times, but when he realised that wasn’t helping, he went aggressive. Very impressed.
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I would have done the same. Many times older children hit Chip and he says nothing. I have told him to say “No hitting” in a loud voice if someone hits him.
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well…all of life’s lessons have to be learnt one way or another and there is no time like now to start…
u did the right thing!
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Pretty much the same situation here too DD Mom. Another kid barges in or gets physical with this guy and he too keeps mum. Abha put it well when she said we need to teach our kids “constructive aggression”. But then again, when I tell him not to just sit quiet when someone gets aggressive with him physically – his response is “but it is not good to hit or push other people.”. (*sigh*)
Like UTBT says, I too am scared for him – he starts Primary School late August.
And yes, you did the right thing in having that little talk with her.
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DotThoughts : Does he say it though? I am yet to see D being able to speak out.
Orchid: Yes. It is much easier to teach kids to stand up for themselves than at an older age. The older they get, the more conscious they get.
Gauri: That’s the issue. How to help them understand the balance, the fine line between being nice, but at the same time being aggressive when the other person crosses the line. Joys of parenting
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My daughters went through the same and I had to drill these very words into them which you spoke out to D; even though I was tempted to go and lash out at the bullies! I wonder what the parents of the bullying children teach them! X-(
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Hi DDmom, I have been a silent reader for quite sometime. I love reading about D and Dlittle, your talk with D has really taught me something about dealing with such situations.
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WIAN: Kids observe us and imitate us more than we think they do. They just reflect our behavior for the most part. That’s why I feel the need to get out of my comfort zone and do things I would want them to do
Pumpkin’s Mom: Aww.. Thanks. Hope to see you here often.
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