Aug 18 2009
My Kid is the Best, No?
Back in January, we had a parent-teacher meeting at D’s school. The meeting was organized in to 15 minute slots. The teacher -K, was talking to this parent, while I was waiting for my turn. K was telling this parent that their daughter was an all-rounder. That there isn’t a single change she wants in her, she is just a perfect little sweet kid.
My turn comes. After apologies for not sending D to school half the time, thanks to allergic bronchitis, we sat down with her record. K said there isn’t much she has to say as D had hardly attended 15 days of school by then. She did say that D is a very quick learner and even if she is absent for 2-3 days, she picks up very quickly. She is very curious, vocal, assertive and does whatever it takes to get her job done. So she wouldn’t worry much about her missing school. Her health comes first. I was pretty happy with her comments.
Coming to the title of this post. While I am still in conversation with K, this parent who had just finished with her meeting, the parent of the all-rounder child. She barges in without asking for an excuse to affirm with the teacher – K, just wanted to ask again.
It took me few seconds to come to terms what I heard. The confirmation came from the very embarrassed K’s transparent face. I mean, what was this parent thinking. How insensitive of her to ask such a question? Out loud in a hardly 15×15 feet room, where 2 other parents are still in the meeting, few parents are waiting for their turn and few are collecting their records and kids and about to leave.
K tells this parent, something along these lines – As I said, your daughter is doing very well and there is nothing more I expect out of her. To which the parent nods her head and leaves with a sense of disappointment. She probably was expecting – Of course yes! K then tells me in a very apologetic tone that D is pretty good also. Only because she has been missing out on school, she has some catching up to do. That D is of the curious kind, wants to know everything around, which leads to a little distraction, which is pretty common with kids her age.
I stopped the teacher right there and told her there is no need to be apologetic. I am not expecting D to be perfect OR the best in the class. As long as she she shows interest and curiosity in learning new things, that will do for me.
I don’t believe in this “best-in-the-class” or “first-in-the-class” theory. You want to compete? Then compete with your own self till you think you are the best for your own standards. That is the bottom line that will provide the much needed confidence and self esteem. I believe in making sure my kid is exposed to a variety of material that’s stimulating enough to invoke curiousness. Good environment, good school, balanced friends circle, books, field trips, puzzles, a good dose of dinner time talks to keep the communication going. That she is adding something into her knowledge kitty everyday, however tiny that might be. That she stays grounded, doesn’t develop attitude and grows into a good human being. And her curiosity is to die for, I know it can be is a little too much to handle at times, but this is an art that is pretty difficult to acquire otherwise.
Provide them with the exposure and stimulation, and they will sure turn out to be the best in their own form, in something that interests them, that they feel passionate about. They are 4, 5 years old’s for God’s sake and there is this pressure to perform the best in class. I totally fail to understand. What does “best in the class” mean anyways?!
All said and done, this is me recording my thoughts as of August 18th, 2009, 11:20PM. How will I react if my child ends up coming last in her class, only time will tell. I had such set firm opinions on few areas of parenting some 5 odd years back, most of them trashed when I got my hands dirty. There’s a lot of learning and de-learning we do as we grow as a parent. Only time will tell how long I will keep up with this promise to myself that I will not compare or pressurize my kids to perform.
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Even with time, even if D comes at the bottom, your attitude towards this will not change. You will talk to her about putting in her best, but I don’t forsee any pressure from you on her to be the best in her class.
Loved reading your thoughts on this, and I feel the same way…only it is difficult to keep people around you happy…those whohave a diff. set of expectations.
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Wow. I didn’t know that species of over competitive parent still existed in our generation!
I actually get embarrassed if my child gets too much praise from the teacher especially if there’s another parent in close hearing. The last time there was a group meeting (on how to teach phonics to children at home) the directress kept going on about how D is so focused and determined and won’t go down and even eat her snack because she wants to finish the task -blah blah. I got so embarrassed (stupid I know!) that I actually said – that’s not determined, that’s just stubbornness and gave a lame heh heh. Needless to say, the teacher was shocked, thought I was a hopeless parent who couldn’t see anything good about my child
But I’m just rambling here. I wouldn’t worry about D1 being the last in the class, she won’t be, not with the kind of involved parent you are, and I know that you’ve got that part down to a pat about wanting her to do the best she can and not competing with others.
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What a horrid question? I do hope her own child wasn’t with her at that time – Can you imagine growing up in that kind of an environment – the constant need to prove your worth to your own parents? Ouch!
BTW, hope D is doing well now and keeps up her good health.
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LOL..I feel like laughing at the parent and I pity the child. Why do parents expect so much from their kids. I don’t expect Aryan to be best. I want him to enjoy his day and enjoy his learning time and stay happy..thats what is needed at this age. And if he enjoys it today and learn to enjoy , he would sure grow up to enjoy learning times.
Frankly I dont believe in BEST word. You cannot be perfect. You need to keep learning and exploring.
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Hey!! You have been blogging and I didn’t even know! I thought you just wanted to be left alone and so I just let it be…have had friends suddenly disappear that way for some years even…and then return to being in touch.
OMG – so much to catch up on. I can’t believe Dlittle is potty trained – I have not even remotely started the process. OK, will just mail you – hope you still have the same id?
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I hope DDidi’s allergies are better DDMOm. And such an irritating character – the all rounder’s Mom. “Provide them with the exposure and stimulation, and they will sure turn out to be the best in their own form” – So very true
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@Tharini: So true, the last line. I am lucky that way, as husband is totally against examinations and grading system anyways. As for other people around – I guess we can listen in, but at the end of the day do what we think is better for the kid. Because, only the parent is responsible and answerable to our kids at later stage.
@poppy: Not many, thats the good news. Even when this parent said that statement, I had a feeling the rest of the parents in the class were as dumbstruck as me.
And yes, I am so like you. Someone praises me or my kids, instead of a gracious thankyou, I’ll start beating myself to death. Sigh!!
D is doing pretty good, was just a hypothetical situation I was putting myself into, and honestly I don’t know if I will stand up to it if that day ever comes.
@k3: The kid was with her all the time. And yes, I feel more for the kid for having to live through such expectations at a very young age.
@Swati: Well said. The more he enjoys, the more he will continue to learn.
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@noon: So nice to see you hear. I thought I had lost all my regular readers, rightfully so. That ID is not active, I hadn’t logged in to it for more than a year and yahoo disabled it. I need to email you as well.. I had just abruptly cut of the previous thread we had going..
I did not potty train Dlittle, it just happened )
@MNIamma:It is going to take a little while to get uses to “i”. As per doctor, the allergies will hopefully subside by age 8 or so. Or leave Bangalore and move to another city, he says
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Hello…. i enjoyed reading your post… i have also mentioned your blog in my post … Living Parenting Online… http://www.ripplelinks.com/blog.html
Regards
Payal
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[...] a lot of times, I have tried to change. Now I’m still nowhere like the pushy mom that DDmom writes about, but I am a lot better at acknowledging the goodness of my children in company (doting [...]
Whoa! Someone needs to teach that mom a lesson in etiquette. And I feel for her poor child – imagine the pressure!
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hi DDmom. didn’t know you were blogging again
absolutely with you on competing with self bit.
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@Payal: Welcome here. And thanks for the mention.
@Rohini: That child is a sweet little kid, she played the main character of a 15 minute skit, must have spoken atleast 30-40 sentence. Clear and crisp. Hopefully she enjoys what she does and not due to parental pressure.
@choxbox: Nice to see you here. That in itself is a good enough struggle. Why take more?
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wow!! you are back!
and before this post, i LOVED your anniversary post!! lifetime of happiness wished for you guys!!
and yeah! these demanding parents are scary! and i feel for the kids! i mean yeah i am happy if someone tells me my kid is doing well, but i dont want my kid to be the BEST or whatever!
is your number still the same? will call ya one of these days!
cheers!
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This is an awesome post. I admit I have been guilty of being upset at times when my daughters did not perform upto my expectations but like you mentioned, I am trying to learn good things and delearn the bad ones with time. The day 10th board results were out this year and my daughter was crying in fear of “what if I score badly”-syndrome, I really really felt all that you have written above. I just want them happy. Period. Let them be happy in whatever they do. Thats my only prayer now.
As for the other parent, I pray that God grants her better sense soon !
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Hey, I did not know that you were back
Loved your post. I cannot even begin to imagine what the child must be going through with a parent who expects her to be the best in class.
KT believes that she has to be first in everything and she is not yet at the age where she is really competing with others; I really don’t know where she got the idea from.
At home, we keep trying to teach her that participation is more important and that she has to be sportive. I am not sure if she gets this though.
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@Abha: yes, am back
Plan to do weekend blogging regularly. Lets see.
@WIAN: Thankoo. Glad to hear from someone who actually has an older kid, that gives hope to be able to walk the talk when time comes.
COS: Hey, where were you? Been a while I spotted you around. D does that too, and I am partially to blame.. like at times when I would put 2 glasses of milk on the table and out of sheer desperation to get it down their throat – say – lets see who finishes first. They hear this -first-second- way too often and we cannot shield them from that. As you said, we just try and explain them that participation is important and that only one person can be first, one cannot be first in everything.
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