Sep 06 2009
Life, Old Age, Staying Fit and the Likes
It makes me wonder if it is typical of a 4-6 year old, to show interest in topics related to life, death and spirituality. I have read at least 5 blogs related to this topic in the past month, all of them having kids in this age group. The email newsletter from babycenter few weeks back has this highlighted. It does make me feel better to affirm D is not talking nonsense for her age. But no matter how I try to explain, it paves way to a million unanswered questions. To her, to me.
D was little over 3 years and Dlittle was just old enough to sit on the high chair, when we unintentionally got into the culture of dinner time talks. One of the reason was to get D interested in eating by herself. She definitely showed more interest in eating, when that was not just another chore to complete, but a family time, where we all ate together with a lot of chit chat, laughter and silly talks. Now, the kids look forward to this time, and are stepping on each others shoes to tell how their day went. Good, bad and ugly. Even Dlittle with her limited vocabulary pitches in.
Getting back to the context of this post, couple of months back, one evening we had assembled at the dinner table as usual and D suddenly asks -
Mumma, you know M’s daadi is dead.
I was a little shocked to hear that word explicitly from her.
hmm.. okay..
Why did she die, mumma?
Not sure beta. She must have been very old.
Conversation was on hold, while the little one’s mind was churning with thoughts. I could see her lost in her thought and was expecting the next series of questions, but nothing close to what she ended up asking.
Mumma, you will also die when you get old?
hmm.. yes..
She starts crying her heart out. No, you can’t die. You are my mother. You have to take care of us. Dlittle cannot even eat by herself.
At this point, I was overwhelmed as there was no pretext to this topic whatsoever.
Tried telling her that she is not old enough to understand all this. We can talk about this when she is 10 years old. Obviously, of no vain. Ended up telling her as a matter of fact, we all will die one day. Mumma, paapa, everyone. When we get very very very old. Super old. By that time, you will be a naani yourself and will have your own daughters and sons and they might even have their own kids. That much old. And you wont need mumma to take care of you, you will be taking care of your kids instead.
I don’t want boys. Only girls.
ok. Point noted for future discussions.
I so prayed this discussion would end here. But no.
Over the next few days, this had been the hot topic of discussion, no matter how hard I tried to deviate from it. Multiple versions of the question and answers.
But, why we all have to die?
That’s how God has created us beta. There is only so many people earth can hold right. So for a new baby to come into the world, old people have to die, go back to God and come back as a baby. Also, when we get old, our bones break, we cannot walk properly, we cannot see properly. Then we get tired of old age and tell God. God thank you for giving us such a wonderful life. And smart cute daughters. Now, they are old enough to take care of themselves and I am ready to die. Please make me a baby again.
She seemed convinced with the answer for the moment. Ironically, this was about the same time when my father fell down and broke his hip bone. Had to go through a replacement surgery and was bed ridden.
D’s questionnaire got active again.
Mumma, we will have naana in our house for some days. Then can you please ask him to go somewhere else?
I was shocked to hear that and after repeated futile talks that it was not right to say like that, said pretty sternly – He is my father, just like the LH being your father. Would you like your father to go away somewhere else?
Poor thing started sobbing and said – I just don’t want him to die in our house. I will be very scared and that’s why I want him to go out.
I did not know how to handle the situation, I asked her what made her think naana is going to die?
Old age – bedridden – not able to walk – broken bone. Ah ha!!
I tried to explain her that we don’t get to choose when we want to die. God chooses that for us. Mumma is always there with her and nothing will happen.
Don’t know if simplifying death as die-tobe-reborn as a baby- was any better. For it definitely led to this conversation.
Don’t do that D, Dlittle will get hurt.
She will die?
No beta. But she can get really really hurt.. Like blood coming out, going to the doctor for shots.
Let her die mumma, then she will come back as a baby. She is very cute as a baby, I want her as a baby.
Telling her coming back-as-a-baby is not in to our own house, some other house we wouldn’t know and we will never ever be able to see her again. We will never get to play with her, hold her. Would you want that.
Honestly, I had my foot in my mouth dreading a YES!
No, no. I will take care of her gave me peace of mind for the moment.
When I chose the title of the post, the intention was to write on the enlightenment felt on staying fit, eating right for old age, something I feel we owe to our kids. But, looking the length of the post, I should do that another time.
The birds and the bees is another topic of interest these days. God, spirituality is another. Will pen this also another day, for now leaving you’ll with some of D’s dialogues –
God does not have a house, thats why he is everywhere?
God is everywhere, so if this wall breaks, he will jump from there?
D, be nice to papa, beta. He works hard so that we can make enough money to eat yummy food na? No, mumma, papa does not give us food. God gives us food and toys.
Why papa did not grow me and Dlittle in his tummy? Because he does not have guggu baata to feed us?
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Wha- already? I’m amazed by her curiosity but I can imagine how hassled you’d be. I think though with tough topics it’s better to let them find their own answers than to feed them manufactured ones. I’m thinking if you’d asked her “What do you think happens when people die” she might have come up with a waay different answer ? Dunno, just thinking aloud.
I talk about death freely at home, I use the tamil word for it and so far I’ve used it in stories for mostly animals (coward coward) but once or twice for humans. I’ve yet to introduce the bees and the birds even casually, although I have spoken about weddings and babies plenty of times. It’s easy when half of my family either seems to be getting married or pregnant ;p
Let’s see, I’m thinking this year will be the year of tough questions for us – I can see the signs
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DDmom Reply:
September 7th, 2009 at 1:30 am
@Poppy, Poppy, very true. And I did try that once or twice. She shrug her shoulder and said. I don’t know. You are my parent. You only *should* know.
But, what you say is so true. Sometimes, these manufactured answers are the ones that open up million questions and a blank page for interpretation. As, we the ones who are manufacturing the answers are not sure of it in the first place
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WELL, I am at a stage when all the questions have been answered and now my girls give me a knowing look
But you will have a good laugh later
Never discussed “DEATH” in a detailed manner when they were young,so cant comment on that. But birds and bees, yes, they did have lots of questions esp about “dooram” (periods) which my MIL observes even now and my std answer used to be, “wait till u turn 12″.
Anyways, it sure gets embarrassing at times
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DDmom Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 7:57 am
@whatsinaname, Kids are more exposed these days, I think. I don’t think I even bothered to figure out what it meant at that age. Also, some kids are just a little too curious and won’t let go of any topic unless they are convinced themselves.
Birds and bees.. well.. I have spun a whole story around it. Will write another time, I am sure it will make for a good laugh when she reads it later.
Did you kids listen when you said – wait till u turn 12? If yes, then give me tips on training them like that
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DDMOm ; I am absolutely floored by your reply to her on the process of death. I think it was wonderful. I don’t see why we need to regard death, w.r.t our children as a topic to watch out for. You did right by talking abt it as naturally as any other subject you wouold have entertained her questions.
I think the problem happens if you seem discomifted by the question or try to avoid the aubject. Then she knows something is up and catches on to your anxiety about it. Else, its as regular as anything else under the sun.
Gotta say it again, I love love love your answer for it and will be using it for myself at home.
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DDmom Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:03 am
@Tharini, Thanks T. And I agree 100%. I always worry that if I don’t take the time to give her a convincing answer, then I am leaving her open to her own interpretations. Which is good at times, but can be damaging with certain topics. Secondly, I think it is of utmost importance to have a conversation on ALL topics, so she feels that her parents are someone she can always approach at later stage no matter how silly or confusing the issue is. That’s the hope anyways
And, almost everything is in the form of storytelling.. I find it way easier to get the point across.
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My grandfather passed away last year right in front of KT. She then was part of all the rituals that followed. She was also old enough by that time to ask questions and try to figure out what was happening. She asked what happened and we told her that thatha was in a lot of pain, so god took him to make him all right. She keeps asking about why he is not back yet and she pretends to talk to him over the phone a lot of times. She took the whole experience quite well but would get upset when any of us cried.
I think the fact that my grandpa was old when he died has made a lot of impact on her. Whenever I mention even in passing about getting old, she bursts into tears and tells me ‘amma, please don’t become old’.
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DDmom Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:13 am
@Collection Of Stars, I am choking up reading your comment. I am glad she took your grandpa’s death quite well.
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aaha! answered all these Qs once. doing it the second time
*goes away feeling like a paati*
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DDmom Reply:
September 10th, 2009 at 8:14 am
@choxbox, Second time?? Why do you have to remind us parents that all this will repeat another time
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whow! whow! whow!
i must check with my parents if i was that curious! i dont think so! so hpfully Cubby wont be too?! like genetic lack of curiosity and all?! wishful thinking, you say? sigh!
but i think you handled it really well! i will read this again when i need help!
cheers!
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